Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

I've Always Sucked At Math

It was only for the grace of you that I got this attitude
My Fist, Your Face: Ivan "The Hammer" Baranka giving Konstantin Pushkarev a lesson in directional derivatives (Chris Rutsch photo)

I'm sure there are many worse ways to spend a workday than going to a hockey game with an 11 AM start, even if riding in a bus for three hours down from Manchester, NH, to Hartford to watch your team get their butts whipped at an 11am hockey game (as the Monarchs Booster Club did today) is probably one of them. The late-morning start was in the best interests of education, apparently, signified by the quiz booklets that were handed out at the door before the game (along with Power Rangers sour candy and LifeSavers), but I'll get to that part later.

The Hartford Wolf Pack strengthened their hold on second place by dispatching the Manchester Monarchs, 3-1, pushing the third-place Monarchs to 6 points back, though it's practically a foregone conclusion that Hartford and Manchester will end up facing each other in the first round of the playoffs anyway. Joe Rullier started off the scoring with a goal for Manchester eight minutes into the contest, but it was all Hartford after that. Linemates Colby Genoway (23), Dwight Helminen (26), and Nigel Dawes (31) all scored goals for the Wolf Pack, with Thomas Pöck and Ivan Baranka each having two assists. Helminen scored the go-ahead goal in the first period as he was falling to the ice, getting tripped just before he chipped the puck over Manchester goalie Barry Brust's shoulder.

In the first period, Manchester's Tim Jackman didn't like the way that Martin Grenier was roughing him up behind the Hartford net, and took a swing at Grenier's head. Jackman picked the wrong guy to mess with, though, as Grenier instantly laid out Jackman with a single punch that was right on the button, knocking Jackman out cold even though Grenier never even took his gloves off. At first I thought that Jackman was just taking a dive to draw a penalty, but when I stood up to get a closer look, Jackman was definitely on queer street. It reminded me of the scene from "Friday", when Smokey (Chris Tucker) says: "You got knocked the FUCKOUT!"

There was one other good fight in the game, as Ivan "The Hammer" Baranka, an infrequent fighter, destroyed Konstantin Pushkarev. Baranka started off by raining a flurry of punches on Pushkarev, who was standing up to Baranka over a cross-check. Baranka then finished the fight by yanking Pushkarev's jersey over his head and tying him up with it while he brought down several heavy forearm chops on the top of Pushkarev's head.

How do you make your cat go 'woof'? Douse it in gasoline and throw it in the fireplace
That Old Trick: Chad Wiseman gets tripped up by Mark Ardelan (Courant photo)

The Wolf Pack's Nigel Dawes was recently featured in an article on nhl.com, by the way (click here to go to the article). Former #1 overall draft pick Alexandre Daigle, one of the all-time busts who had 19 points in 16 games for the Wolf Pack back in 1999 before retiring for two years, is back in the minors again with the Monarchs and was recently the subject of an article on theahl.com, also.

And now, as promised earlier, our educational feature:

It's kind of a Metal Machine Music in celluloid form
1. A one is added to a player's "Plus/Minus" when his team scores an even-strength goal while he is on the ice, and a one is subtracted when the other team scores. Count the number of goals scored by the other team when Jake Taylor is on the ice, and enter it here: _____________

'Soixante neuf' is truly very in the English dictionary
2. The oldest player on the Wolf Pack team is Brad Smyth. If you divided Brad's age by three and then multiplied by two, what would you get?

A). 44 B). 108 C). 88 D). ∞

Eddy Grant was in the Equals
3. "Helping others achieve goals is what makes you a winner, also." The Wolf Pack goalie from this season who best exemplifies this philosopy is:

A). Ty Conklin B). Chris Holt

The whiter the eyes, the bigger the lies
3. Which is shorter:

A). Marvin Degon B). Marvin the Martian C). Jeff Jacob's weenie, on stilts

Drop a boulder on your pelvis, you'll be dead as frickin' Elvis
5. Dale Purinton is to a hockey game what:

A). a fuse is to dynamite B). a spark is to gunpowder C). Curly is to the Three Stooges D). a migraine is to an afternoon nap

MCA and Warner Brothers; Trick Knee, Go Kart and the others
4. The difference between the number of times Thomas Pöck lets the puck stray out of the offensive zone during the power play, and the number of times this would happen if the powerplay were instead quarterbacked by a blind Chinese squirrel, is how many?

A). about one more B). about one less C). about the same


And always remember, kids-- Stay In School.

3 Comments:

Blogger Brushback said...

Today's Courant article says that Baranka injured his hand in the fight with Pushkarev. Maybe that's why he started clubbing Pushkarev with his forearm at the end of the bout:

Defenseman Ivan Baranka assisted on the last two goals but broke his right hand fighting Konstantin Pushkarev with 3:21 left and will be out four to six weeks.

3/23/06, 4:06 PM

 
Anonymous prickly pear said...

Will you grade this quiz on a curve? I know for sure I got the Jeff Jacobs' weenie on stilts question right.

3/29/06, 11:49 AM

 
Blogger Brushback said...

Funny thing about Marvin Degon's height-- when I looked up his UMass bio, he was listed at 6'-0". His Wolf Pack bio, which was presumably updated from scratch when he joined the team, lists him at 5'-11".

So, during the time he left UMass and arrived in Hartford, he got shorter!

Hopefully this didn't mean that he had to buy all new clothes along the way.

3/29/06, 3:55 PM

 

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