Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Today's Timely Tip: Give the Gift of the Turd Burglar

I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it

If you're stuck with having friends or family members or anything like that, chances are pretty good that eventually you'll be forced to go out and buy one of them a gift for some reason. This week it's "Dads and Grads", next week it'll probably be Christmas or something. I know, it sucks, but what are you gonna do? If there's someone on your list who's a pet owner with an old hockey stick just laying around that they don't know what to do with-- heck, I know a dozen people just like that, myself-- shop no more, my friend. If you've got $12.99 (plus shipping and handling, naturally), then the Turd Burglar is just the ticket!

I'd like to give myself all the credit for finding this marvel of modern ingenuity, but I actually stumbled onto it while flipping through the local "alternative news & arts weekly" (I was tempted to call it the local "gay/alternative news & arts weekly", except that I'm P.C. like a motherfucker). Apparently, you just slide the Turd Burglar onto the blade of an ordinary hockey stick, and with a bit of backyard practice you'll soon be flipping turds like Bobby Flay at a buffalo chip convention!

Of course, there's a handy Turd Burglar web site,, which is there to provide lots of useful information:

Installation Directions

Insert the toe of the hockey stick blade into the channel of the Turd Burglar and pull it towards you until it is in correct position on the blade. Make sure it's centered or favoring a slight forward position. Most turd launches will be from the forward third of the Turd Burglar for best results.


Once the Turd Burglar is properly attached to your standard hockey stick, gingerly approach a pile of dog poop in your yard. Be careful of where you step. If you are uncomfortable with your skill level, a FREE piece of Practice Poop has been provided and yard games have been developed for your excrement merriment. Don't go around launching dog crap all over the place.

With a slight sawing motion, slide the leading edge under the poop like a spatchula. Once the poop is resting in the cradle of the Turd Burglar, it's ready for "lift-off".

The web site has a section of games to try with your Turd Burglar, including "Poop, Pass & Flick - a distance and accuracy drill".

Need some convicing before buying one for yourself? Well, if you're from Eastern Canada, at the bottom of one of the web pages you'll find all of the convincing you'll need:

Quebec is where millions of French-Canadians live. A high percentage of French-Canadians own dogs and coincidentally, still have possession of their hockey sticks from their "glory days" of youth, stored in their garage or basement with all the sports uniforms that no longer fit them. French-Canadians are among the world's top poop flingers and adapt themselves, quite readily, to the required wrist shot technique in using a Turd Burglar.

As an added side benefit, you may even find yourself making friends again with those pesky neighbors that never liked you anyway, because of your stupid dog that leaves big piles of crap all over the place. Just be careful-- the more friends you make, the more gifts you'll have to buy when it's gift-giving time again next year!