Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Friday, November 10, 2006

As Smart As Geek Is Chic Right Now

Bow chica bow-wow

I swiped these photos from LifeClever (link via Brand Flakes For Breakfast), which has an article announcing Fantastic Man, an upscale new magazine, as "A fashion magazine for guys who hate fashion magazines".

If that were true, wouldn't the magazine get up by itself and throw itself in the trash?

Now, that would be something worth paying $19.99 for!

Presumably not worth paying $19.99 for

Besides, everything I needed to know about being "manly" that I didn't already get from reading Conflict and Touch and Go years ago, I learned from Esquire's The Rules: Things a Man Should Know About Drinking:

There is no such thing as a chocolate martini.

Visiting the pub will be cheaper in the long run if you tip the bartender regularly and more generously than is necessary.

For the sake of the children, leave the pistol at home.

Never order a frozen drink in a place that serves pickled eggs.

Actually, never order a frozen drink.

It's also not a bad idea to eschew the pickled pigs' feet, although their presence is fairly strong evidence that you've accidentally stumbled upon a real tavern.

Avoid bars that use plastic cups, bars whose bathrooms consist soley of a trough-style urinal, bars with chicken wire protecting the band, bars where Patrick Swayze is the bouncer.

There is rarely any genuine need to shout "Skal!" "Na zdorovye!" "Slainte!" "Bottom's up!" or "Down the hatch!"

Grappa is to lighter fluid as ouzo is to lighter fluid.

Hungarian proverb: If three men tell you that you are drunk, lie down.

Every man should know how to make at least one drink from a foreign country, preferably one taught to him by a local female with whom he has had a complicated, unresolved, and quite possibly dangerous dalliance.

Pick up your drinks before moving the table.

On those chrome, hourglass-shaped bar measuring cups, the big side is the jigger. The little side is the pony. Never use the pony.

There is nothing cheeky and clever you can say to a female bartender that she hasn't already heard from some other schmuck before you.

Shun novelty. Suspect innovation.

No one but the bouncer cares how tough you are, and he already knows you're not that tough.

There is no upside to karaoke.

Instead of trying to remember whether it's "beer before liquor" or the other way around, just be an adult and stick to one or the other.

Here's one more that I just made up myself: You don't need to be drunk to have an excuse to tell upscale men's fashion magazines and their dumb moustache photos to stuff it.